You're My Clarity

I've seen many posts about love in the last couple of weeks and I'm no expert on the subject and I don't claim to know everything I need to know about it. I've had my share of mindless relationships and have been through countless break ups that at the end of the day didn't count for true relationships anyway. I don't post sappy things about love and I don't showcase it for the world to see either (I'm in no way degrading the people that do, that's just not my thing)

I'm not the only one that has regretted some of the people I've chosen to spend my emotions on and I know I'm definitely not the only one that has had to walk away from people that I didn't want to walk away from. I'm a real person and I have genuine emotions that have been taken advantage of. But in the last year I have found a kind of love that makes my heart feel alive every day and I've learned more about the kind of person you should fall in love with.

Fall in love with the person that sees you, not just physically but someone that sees the depths of who you are...

Fall in love with your best friend. Someone that will eat too many pieces of pizza with you while watching Game of Thrones. Someone that spends too much money watching movies with you in a movie theater. Someone that reminds you daily that you are more than what you see in yourself. Someone that tells you they love you multiple times a day and means it every time.

Fall in love with someone that shows you they love you in the quiet moments, not just the loud ones.  Someone you can run miles with and smell sweaty together. Someone who always chooses to watch Bobs Burgers. Someone that may love a different NBA team than you but takes you to see your favorite team anyway.

Someone that will take you to the ER even if it may not be as serious as what you think it is. Someone that chooses to understand your anxiety and not think you're crazy for it. Fall in love with someone that will let you cry even when you may not know why you are to begin with.

Fall in love with someone that lets you watch the Bachelor even though they can't stand seeing the drama of it all. Someone that loves watching their favorite sport and let's you be a part of it. Someone that wants every person they know to know you. Someone that chooses ice cream for dinner. Someone that loves the same music as you and will sing with you on every car ride. Someone that loves tacos just as much as you do.

Fall in love with someone that challenges you to be a better version of yourself. Someone that you can talk to about anything and they'll hold no judgement. Someone that sees all of your scars and still chooses to see your beauty. Someone that holds you and takes your hand any chance they get.

Fall in love with the person who loves softly. Fall in love with someone who never makes you doubt. Fall in love with someone that even when they see you at your worst, when you're broken and worn down, they don't want to run away, they want to help you put the pieces back together. Fall in love with the person that looks at you for no reason. Someone that makes you want to experience all of life with them. Someone that makes you question why you ever thought you would be alone. Someone that doesn't make you think love is hard. Someone that shows you the kind of love you never thought you deserved.

Fall for the person that makes you fall more in love every day.

Fall for the person that makes you feel brave.

Fall for the person that chooses you.



WMH II: There's something about the way you love me that makes me feel like I'm home. I love you.

Two Thousand Fifteen

Magical.

Before I start I would like to note that in 2015 I did my best to step away from planning and step away from the need to know attitude that I've been burden with at times. I didn't always keep myself accountable but I did learn a lot and I plan to carry that into 2016.






I haven't blogged in quite sometime and I haven't written in just as long. I guess you could say I've been busy living life, as cliche as it sounds. It's amazing what can happen in a year especially when you let go and promise yourself you'll enjoy being in the moment rather than being so worried about your future.

I made a commitment to myself in January, a commitment that wasn't outwardly spoken but softly whispered to myself over and over during the first couple weeks of the year. I've lived a lot of life in the last couple of years, made countless changes and improvements, let go of areas of my life I didn't need to be attached to anymore and learned to fall in love with who I am again. I promised myself on January one I would stop (or attempt to soften) worrying about where my life is headed and instead focus on where it is. I can't begin to explain how difficult that is for me and continues to be. I'm a planner. Not just a short term planner but a long term planner as well.

With that said, I'm beginning 2016 in a different place than I have the last three years. I have no plan. I have pieces of a plan, but no concrete plan. I have no idea whats going to happen 6 months from now or even this fall. The only plan I have for this year is to finish my teaching license, and I will by the first week of December. Has it been a long time coming? Of course, but I wouldn't change the growth I've made over the last six years. I've always known that I'm meant to be a teacher, I just didn't know when that would happen. It was the first plan I ever made for myself that I didn't finish but now I am.

I began this entry with the word magical. I was lucky enough to spend the second half of the year with such a beautiful individual. He has brought so much light into my life and keeps me smiling on a daily basis. There aren't enough words to describe the joy he brought into my world by just walking into my life at Mongolian BBQ on a sunny summer Saturday evening in June. We've already experienced some beautiful moments together and I'm looking forward to all that is ahead for us. I constantly have to remind myself I'm not living a dream but have truly found someone that I can spend hours, days, or weeks with and it wouldn't even be close to enough time with him. I'm grateful and I can't imagine 2016 or any year with out him. He makes me a very happy woman.

My health journey took a slight back seat in 2015 around May. I realized I was obsessing over my weight and obsessing over the strict diet and work out plan I had given myself. I was in the gym twice a day, eating nothing but clean food and running off every calorie I was putting into my body. Did I feel amazing? Yes. But I was missing the point. Though I was living a strictly healthy lifestyle I forgot the balance. The balance of life and health. I was happy but I didn't allow myself to enjoy some of the things I enjoyed before starting on this journey almost four years ago. The downfall of allowing myself to be less strict was that I got too comfortable. My running suffered and my eating just got worse and worse. This year I want to find a happy medium: a healthy life not just a healthy diet and to fall in love with running again.

I now have four years of life under my belt after graduating college. This was my first full year not living the Resident Director Life. *Before I begin I am in no way down grading that lifestyle.* I actually felt like I had a life this year. I wasn't tied down by my phone and I wasn't worried about being too far away from my apartment. I will say though I still wake up at night thinking something happened in the rez hall that I missed. I still get anxious thinking I'm forgetting to take care of a student or forgetting there was an event I needed to make an appearance at. But this year I was actually able to live some of life I had missed while being an RD. That life was wonderful and I enjoyed most of my time in that position but I am thankful to have stepped away. My heart misses that way of life on some days but on most I am thankful I have freedom again.

There was another life changing experience I am still getting used to that I was a part of in 2015. My parents found each other again. Though most people know I never used to talk about my family, now I do. It's crazy how just a year can mend bridges and soften the hardness around someones heart. On July 31st my parents remarried, each other. I got to be an intricate part of that day, planning it to be exact even if it did bring every piece of stress and anxiety out of me. Better me than my mother though. I'll never forget the emotions I felt as my brother and I walked my mom down the isle to meet my father at the end. It was a small country wedding but every one knew how special of an occasion it was. I've had my share of problems over the last 13 years dealing with a broken family and though all that hurt happened it's being healed one day at a time. My parents showed me that love can conquer even if it takes years later for it to. My family has been through more than most and I am thankful for today and every day forward with a whole family again. Most people won't ever understand the capacity of how complicated life is having divorced parents and how it effects you, but I am overwhelmed with relief not having to face that anymore and getting the opportunity to heal from it all.

I'm planning not to plan this year. I want to continue allowing myself to let life happen, to an extent of course. There are some areas I'll need to focus on planning but the other ones I want to just flow. I'm working hard to build my future and even though that future seems in grasp I'm hoping to get there this year. There's so much of life ahead of me and I'm looking forward to facing it head on even if I get anxious about it. 

In 2015, I turned 27, gained back a lost friendship, became a part of a wonderful group of ladies playing the sport we love, started school again to finish what I started so many years ago, found love, and watched love come home.

In 2016, I foresee more beauty and love coming my way. I feel as if this is the year that begins the rest. Let the new year commence. <3

Take me for a walk...

Take me for a walk...

By: Me

I can taste potential all around

There's a spark igniting in me

A flame I've never seen

Don't you know you're driving me out of control?

I'm dancing under cosmic lights

Could this feel right?

Peel back my layers

Be patient, you'll see

Every second will be a highlight

Just listen, don't feel pressure

Stop being so mysterious

Making me feel so delirious

Show me something real...

I've walked alone

You have permission to stop me

I mess up, I hit and miss

Theres days I fall flat on my face

I'm not perfect

And you've yet to see all the best sides of me

I promise, just catch what I'm throwing

I'm messy, broken

But I've got a love worth having

Stop tiptoeing, lets get off the sideline.

Blinded By the Sun

Hi. I'm Marissa and I have a goosebump problem. If you don't know already, you need to know that I'm an emotionally driven person. I'm a peaceful soul and feel deep. I get excited about unnecessary things that are clearly necessary to myself. I break out into goosebumps at just the hum of one of my trillion favorite songs, just the mention of tacos or a kitten and I'm a goner; suffocated by my own enthusiasm. I tend to hold that part of myself back unless you've really crossed the friends line, my intensity often makes the general public nervous, or that's my insecurity getting the best of me. Either way, I'm a naturally high on life person. I'd rather feel everything so deeply that my soul has it's own heartbeat apart from my physical heart than live a life of numbness.

Where is this confession coming from? From the deepest depths of my inner being that only SJs words can reach. I had the privilege of seeing my favorite band, Third Eye Blind, a few nights ago for the fifth time. It was a long waited reunion. There's something spiritual about the way Stephan Jenkins plays on words. His lyrical genius and fearless intensity behind the words to 3ebs songs literally makes you feel like you are 'blinded by the sun'. Pun intended. There was moment, as there always is, that I felt lost as if I was swimming in open water. My vibes were at their highest that night and truth be told it's vastly difficult for me to explain the level of love I have for this band. Unlike most kids, I first heard semi charmed kind of life when I was eight. At about the same time I discovered boy bands. To keep my cover I became overly obsessed with the boy band take over but still kept my heart, for dare I say it, "real music". My mom didn't always know I was listening to bands such as 3eb, Sublime, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Incubus,, and so on. My inner misfit didn't surface to the public world until I met my first college roommate, Julez, freshman year at Urbana. I had never met a fellow SJ lover until I met her. Instantly I knew we would be life long friends on a level most people wouldn't quite grasp. (Love you chow ling)

"We become the things we do..." There are days I feel I'm a complicated being, a rare soul with too much to say and little words to say it with.

This entry needed posted, for my hearts sake ;)

Dedication ...

I had a discussion with a friend today about dedication. The conversation started with a simple question.. "How did you get to where you are today?"

I was never an open book until I began writing blog entries the last couple years and to be honest it's still a struggle for me to even type words. I have countless notebooks from over the years that only my eyes have seen. I'm a writer but that doesn't mean I always enjoy expressing exactly what I'm thinking or feeling. Vulnerability. Something I often struggle with or have too much of, there's rarely a happy medium. I started this blog to encourage people, to help other people along the same journey that I had been traveling on. It's easier to motivate yourself when you know you are motivating someone else at the same time. 

I answered my friend with a simple one word answer, "dedication." As an athlete I have always understood the concept of being dedicated but I never experienced the true meaning until I lost myself. I haven't thought about the last 4 years in awhile until the last couple weeks. It's hard to admit to yourself that you were lost at one point in time, but I've been willing to talk about it. I've learned that keeping feelings bottled up and ignoring them only makes your struggle worse. 

When I told my friend that dedication was how I arrived to the place that I sit in now, she looked at me like I should have had a more profound answer for her. There wasn't some written plan that I could give her. When I think of all the work I've done and all the sacrifices I've made, the changes that have happened, the woman I've become, dedication is the only word I can think of to describe it. The countless days I sat in tears because I thought I couldn't manage moving forward but deciding to lace up my shoes and run out the door. Or on the days the thought of  eating a salad might kill me or even when I thought my broken heart wouldn't heal. At the end of every ending there is always a more beautiful awakening. There have been so many "endings" in my life but the ending that took place in 2012 was only the start of the person I was going to become. The strong woman that I am now. It took dedicated hours of training, preparing, mind changing...I had to see the world different. I had to see the world for how beautiful it could be, not how ugly it had been. 

"happy girls are the prettiest girls"

I struggled emotionally and with my health for two years, but that's only two years out of an entire lifetime. Those two years shaped the course of everything that has happened in the last five years. I gave up a lot of things to get to where I'm at but who I am at this very moment is who I've always been, I was just covered up with things and toxic people I didn't need any more. Running found me and I found volleyball again. For the last two years I could and can honestly look at someone and tell them straight out, I'm happy..and mean it. Do I have bad days of course, every one does, but you get a new day and that bad day just becomes a memory. I've spent the last four years experiencing life, trying new things, being single and embracing that singleness. And in the last year I decided it was time to try and open my heart again, it's failed a few times but if you don't keep trying you'll never find the person you are meant to walk through life with.   

I looked at my friend and asked her "Are you happy?" and told her not to answer the question just to think about her answer.

I had to ask myself four years ago if I was happy, if I was satisfied with who I was and what my life looked liked. It takes something powerful inside of yourself to admit that you truly aren't happy. But once you admit it to yourself the struggle becomes real and the healing becomes activated. I don't mean to sound like my world was entirely corrupted, I'm meaning that what I was facing had become bigger than what I had thought it was. We can't control how people treat us or what they do to us, we can only control how we react and learn from it. 

If you know me, which most people that read my words do, you already know that I am a genuine person. I have a kind heart and I'm real, upfront, and honest. I care deeply for every individual that is in my life, I have so much love to give and a willingness to share my life with people. I don't trust easy... but when I do I'm vulnerable. I'm told I'm an old soul, not sure how true that is, but I am unique and that's one thing I enjoy most about myself, apart from laughing way too loud, laugh-snorting when it's inappropriate, and smiling about just about everything.

My point for this post is that once you dedicate yourself to something don't step away from it, find the motivation within yourself that drives you to be better. Dedicate you to you. You have to push yourself, no one else can do it for you. As a runner, you have to find the will power within yourself to keep your legs moving and your breathing going. And in life it's the same thing.. every step counts. Become a positive person, embrace your imperfections. Dedicate yourself to finding what's important to you. We all struggle in one way or another, that's life. We're all living in the same world. You just need to have the faith, even when you think there isn't such a thing. You can't control what happens to you but you can control how you move forward. I chose to make changes, to become better, to open myself up to new possibilities. To be healthy and to find beauty in life again.

I ended the conversation with my friend by saying this...

Whether you are 16, 27, 31 or 61 you can strive to be a better version of yourself. You can choose your happy. It doesn't have to be chosen for you. You can dedicate yourself to a life of adventure and new beginnings. You don't have to be afraid of endings. Embrace them because they only make you stronger and prepare you for something else that hasn't happened yet. You're stunning and the world deserves to see your light.

xoxo       

Never expecting much...

Quiet Expectations
By: Me

She's never expected much...

Always going in the direction of the wind.

A soul that chases the sun, running wild on it's own,

With false judgments lingering over head,

Keeping a cautious pace, even if there's a chance for more,

Waiting to feel what she thought could not be real,

Seeking to find something she has not seen,

Wanting to justify the wounds that have bound her,

Searching for a face to see in hers, a true spirit so fine.

She prays for a glance at a beauty of pure innocence,

She ponders at what it will be like,

Hesitating at every breathe.

It's been so long, she's forgotten how to play it;

The beat to her own heart.

Those lonely eyes glancing past a cloud of mistrust,

Deserving a chance to open her fragile heart,

Seeking a moment of lovely truth,

A place of beautiful serenity,

No longer standing alone in the sun.

I've never expected much...

Oh, darling.

Oh, darling.

by: Me

she believed.

she hoped.

she needed an answer.

her eyes rested on her glass.

he asked:

"oh, darling,

I can't read your thoughts."

she asked:

"what is love?"

silence.

she asked:

"where does love exist?"

to which he replied:

"oh darling, 

it's where I've lost it all, 

where I've kept it all,

where I've found it all,

it's you, darling,

it's you."

Unfolding

Unfolding

By: Me

The road your hearts been traveling on,

Is one of simplicity and truth.

A childlike game, others may think,

But it's safe to say you didn't know,

That a beautiful story could unfold.

No mind; you're not the same.

You've searched enough; you let it go.

Finally, you can find the one,

That makes you understand,

The hurt that healed you.

You know what your missing,

And the day you find it,

It's yours; so sweet.

Keep your honest heart,

Let it flow gracefully.

Count down the days,

To the second he holds your hand.

Keep loving him before you learn his name,

Set your life on cruise control; with a smile,

Before he's standing down the aisle,

With a smile and a wink starring back at you.

Just wait.

xoxo

26 at 26

26 miles at 26 years.
Running:
If you asked me two years ago how many miles I ever thought I could run I would have told you maybe two but that would be stretching it. I've never been a runner.. in fact I hated running. It served as a punishment growing up playing on basketball and volleyball teams. I found running to be a torcher tool that just so happened to keep me in shape for the sports I actually cared about. I firmly believed that any one who called themselves a runner was clinically insane and should probably be institutionalized. Now that I've degraded the sport that I now call my own I see fit to explain why it is now a part of me.

I began my journey in March of 2013. I needed something that would replace the void of not having volleyball in my life anymore the way it used to be. I thought why not, running can keep me in shape and it was an excuse to buy a ton of music. And before I knew it I went from a 13:52 minute mile to completing a half marathon in October of that year in only 2 hours and 5 minutes which balanced at a 9.5 minute mile. I learned more about myself in those eight months than I had in my, at the time, twenty four years of existence. I found a new respect for the words dedication and sacrifice. With each run my negative thoughts about who I was or what I looked like slowly faded away. I felt free, new, like I finally found who I had been searching for. As my body grew stronger my thoughts grew more positive. My doubts in myself seemed small and my goals became reachable. After I finished the half marathon, with my emotions at the highest they've ever been, I decided that same day I was going to run a marathon in exactly a year, October 2014, even if it sounded impossible.

I took a few months off and kept my highest mileage at nine just to keep my body in training shape before actually beginning training. My official training started in May. As I looked over my schedule the first number I saw was 22, the furthest I would have to run before the actual 26.2 miles. I'm almost positive my heart skipped a beat as it sunk to the floor. My eyes wide and scared, I taped the sheet of paper with the next 6 months completely planned out on my closet door, tied my running shoes, put my head phones in, pushed play, looked at day one and told myself "You can and you will. You deserve to earn this for yourself.", and then headed out the door on my first 3 miles of the next six months of training.

When it comes to training for anything there comes sacrifices. You have to make the time for what's important to you. In this case, running has been the third most important thing in my life next to my faith and family/friends. You have to be willing to give up some thing's, especially the idea of dating. You have to rearrange your life with your training schedule in mind. In the last six months I've had anything and everything thrown at me at warp speed as if I was not meant to embark on this journey. I've had doubt, more doubt than I'd had in myself in a while. I cried, cried a lot over situations that took my focus off what has been important to me for the last two years. I even lost sight of what I was actually trying to accomplish, I would even go as far to say that I felt outside myself, like I was looking in on a person that I didn't recognize. It took one temporary situation to open my eyes again, to make me see that what's important to me is what mattered. That I am not the decisions that I make. That no matter what I do, I'm still loved, and most of all still me. I became distracted more than I can count on one hand through this whole process, let people take my attention away from what makes me, me. My momentary decisions for that of just moments, I thought I was living in the moment but really I was giving into all that I said I would never be. We all fall victim to circumstances like this, I'm just willing to own up to being temporarily an idiot.

Regardless, I trained, trained extremely hard, possibly to hard. At times I over worked myself but at other times I under worked. It took awhile to find the exact amount of physical activity to get me to where I needed to be on the day of the race. Along the way I ran into a painful sickness that resulted in needing surgery which led to being incapable of physical activity for two weeks. That was terrifying. I was able to get a 20 mile run in prior to getting sick but my training called for two 20 mile runs. I can't even begin to explain how stressed out I was the week of the race. I had only ran a total of maybe 9 miles during that week, my job was mentally draining me because I had been out of the office for so long, there were many things going on with my family, and relationships, just so much keeping my mind from being where it needed to be. I spent most of my nights laying up at night starring at the ceiling contemplating whether I should just wait and try again next year. The night before the race I spent time with three of my very best friends and they reminded me that I had worked way to hard to doubt myself. They kept me grounded that entire weekend, I couldn't be more thankful for them, I really don't think I could have got to the starting line with out them.

During the race I felt fantastic, all my adrenaline started pumping the minute the fireworks went off but it was seriously freezing outside. My hands blew up like balloons and I felt like my face had been frost bitten. I was lucky to have Lacey with me for the first part of the race until her half marathon was complete. (You're awesome girl) On mile 8 my knee started hurting, as if there were a knife being stabbed right in the back of it. I stopped at one of those fancy portable pots, stretched it out for maybe five seconds and then kept going. At that point I told myself listen you've come to far to stop now so suck it up, you aren't hurt. That entire mile was painful but eventually it went away. My thought is maybe I wasn't stretched enough before the race started and that was my bodies way of tell me. When I got to mile 14 I thought there was a possible chance I could legitimately die as I watched all the half marathoners turn to get to the finish line. I had to keep telling myself to just keep breathing. I pushed through that mile and kept thinking if I could just see someone I know that would help so much. I had never wanted to see a familiar face so badly.


At mile 16 I ran through the Shoe (Ohio Stadium) and that was rad. I looked up into the stands and I saw my best friends Amanda and Jeff. That was my saving grace. It gave me the momentum I needed to push through the next 5 miles. When I reached mille 22 I called my mom (as I was running) to make sure she was at the finish line. At that moment I realized that I was actually going to finish this. I had maybe a half hour left of running, that's it. I had been going for 4 hours at this point. I rounded a corner into mile 24 and I could feel my ankle start to swell, that sharp pain in my knew was back, my throat started getting flemmy (from my surgery), and all I wanted was a banana and water, a lot of water. I promised myself I would not walk, the only time I would stop would be to drink my water (partially because I can't run and do something else at the same time). When I got to the final mile I had to smile because otherwise I would cry. Something inside of me kicked in, I gained a momentum I hadn't had since mile 5. I started sprinting, I could see the finish line so I started looking in the stands for my mom and my friends. Once I saw them I couldn't have been happier at that moment. It was as if everything I had worked for was meant for this moment. Having my best friends and my mom right there when I crossed the line I had drawn for myself months before even seeing it in front of me. I crossed the finished line and threw my hands over my face. I remember saying out loud.. "I did it.. wow.. I did it". I didn't start crying until I got over to where my mom was. Tears had never felt so good. It is defiantly a feeling that I will never have again. I accomplished something that would have never happened two years ago. The word healthy means more to me now than it ever has. And running.. well it's changed me.

October 19, 2014 Columbus Marathon

With every mile I ran, every toenail I lost, all the blisters I gained, all the shoes I wore out, all the energy gels I went through, and the gallons of spark and water I drank.. I finished a race. But not just 26.2 miles.. I finished a journey I had promised myself I would complete. And I never break a promise.

Thankful.

No, not again

By: Me

Can I speak poetically?
Just for a moment of your time.
I don't always try to rhyme.
But in this case I'll take the time.

There's nothing worse than being addicted to a terrible song.
There's nothing worse than attempting to fix a wrong.
There's not a thing worse than trying to move along.

Gather what's left of what you feel.
Hold close to all that is real.
Never let them steal,
Never let them steal.

There's nothing better than a sad song.
There's nothing better than accepting a wrong.
There's not a thing better than moving along.

Running outside yourself.
From all that you've created.
Never doubt you again,
Never doubt you again.

There's more to a sad song.
There's more to an accepted wrong.
There's more to moving along.

Not again
Say it again
Not again
No, not again


xoxo

I stutter

Stu stu stuttering

by: me

This will not be about love.

This will not be a farewell song.

This will not be my only one.

Do do do you understand me when I say.

When my head starts to hurt

I place my finger on my phone to slide off the earth 

I try to stop the world from moving so fast

I pick up my pieces so I can make it last

So so so you see what I mean

Disconnect me please

I quench my thirst with the earth

But a new cell phone tower will puncture the dirt

The construction never ends, always on alert

To to too much miscommunication

I'm buried in all the lust 

Must keep myself grounded, activate my trust

Wipe away all this cosmic dust

Need to find my constant through all this rust

Loo loo look up from the rubble

Detach myself from all the trouble 

Floating over my head now, out of my hands

Always adjusting my apologies

Unwire me from all the tech tech technology

This is my next risk.

This is my new waiting list. 

This is my plot twist.

Gratitude

Gratitude
By: Me

Who am I to doubt Your perfections

Who am I to misunderstand Your voice

Who am I to sit when I've been told to stand

Who am I to run when You've whispered slow down

Who am I to ignore Your thunderous sound

Let my heart be still in Your hands

Let my heart be guarded by Your army

Let my heart beat in accordance to You

Let my heart mock Your desires

Let my heart find an all consuming rest

Rid this self of false language from my lips

Rid this self of any fuming rage

Rid this self of unnecessary anger

Rid this self of vindictive thoughts

Rid this self of all that is not You

You've clothed me with compassion 

You've clothed me with kindness

You've clothed me with humility

You've clothed me with gentleness

You've clothed me with patience

Who am I, I am thankful

Who am I, I am enough

Who am I, I am renewed

Who am I, I am beloved

Who am I, I am Yours

I'm Yours.