A letter to my 15 year old self..

Dear Marissa,
Hi friend.

Let me start with this, I hope this letter finds you while you are day dreaming in our randomly pink bedroom about some day being a rock star while listening to three days grace even though you honestly have no clue how to play an actual instrument. 

Oh the adventures you will go on. The places you are going to see, the people you are going to encounter. Being 15 will not go down in the most memorable years list, it will be a year you won't forget but it won't be the one you remember every detail of. That boy you think you'll never get over, well you're over him. That friend you thought was going to be your best friend for the rest of your life, she isn't. That teacher you thought was going to ruin your perfect GPA, he didn't. Those people that made you feel so small, well they don't matter but the people that stood by, well they're still there.  

You know how mom is the only person in the world who has called you Riss, well prepare yourself because it's basically going to become your first name. 

By 2014 you will have discovered that who you are right now doesn't even touch the surface of who you are going to be. Right now all you think matters is your basketball game tonight and the stats you are going to rake up at your club volleyball tournament this weekend. Let's just say I want you to know that those things aren't going to be your biggest worries one day. I know you can't ever begin to believe that but it's the truth. That game you fouled out and that one ref who basically shouldn't of even had his zebra stripes, you are going to move on from it. Sports wont be everything some day. It'll be a part of you some day, but not every day like it is now. 

You are going to mess up, you will lose your way, you will be angry with God more than once and prepare yourself because you are going to make decisions you never thought you would ever be capable of... and you will be disappointed in yourself. You are going to fall in love and then you are going to fall out of love. You may think he's the one, but he isn't. Stop before you believe him, use your head this time not your heart. Trust yourself, and be true to what you believe. Cling to God, people will make you doubt Him, even those close to you. Don't let their actions and words become yours. There will be times in your life where you will try to dull down your magic because it draws too much attention. But please don't do that. 

Don't settle. Don't ever think you just need a job to pay your bills. You can have a job that makes you happy, don't let any one tell you different. You have dreams, I know they are in you and you are doubting them right now. Those dreams... you still have them even ten years later they are still there, I promise I've protected them. 

Hold tight to the time you have with the youth group. Those are moments you are going to want to remember the most. Take too many pictures, I mean be annoying with it. Don't miss a beat with those people because those are the ones that get you through the next two years. They become your family, why? Because they are the ones that want to know you and they don't care that you like sports more than you like painting your nails. Oh and btw would you start taking care of those because soon you are going to really care about them. Let's just say we end up owning more nail polish than CDs. (get that gasp look off your face) 

Okay let's talk about that wardrobe of yours. Put away the basketball shorts REPEAT put them away, seriously go buy a nice pair of pants and a shirt that isn't labeled a "tshirt". I know you are insecure but honestly girl you will regret not taking advantage of fashion. You learn, it's gonna take some, well maybe a lot of fashion no's before you find your home. You will go through the punk stage, the prep stage, the bell bottom stage, the weird polo stage, but you will find what works for you. Let's just say I know because we're there ;)

Your world will change... it will change a lot. You are going to move from house to house and sometimes you aren't going to feel like you have a "home". But you do, no matter where you are, you are home. You will call many places home because you are going to leave pieces of your heart every where, and one day even in New York. Your closest friends won't live down the street anymore, or just down the road, they may live states away..miles away. You will get your license, I know you are freaked right now and just because you failed the permit test the first time, the second time it'll go better. Breathe before you back out and for heavens sake don't cry during your drivers test. Those orange cones won't blow up Megs car. I promise. 

Right now I know you have your heart set on being a teacher because you feel it's all you know how to do. But don't cling to tight, you don't know what God is going to throw at you. You have many many passions and those aren't on your heart by accident. You may not understand them yet and you may even be afraid to explore them but believe me they will come to play out in your life eventually. I know you are scared, scared of a lot of things but you will be okay. We're okay. We always are. 

Could you do me a favor? Stop trying to be perfect. Loosin up, you don't have to do every thing right. You can mess up, that's how you will learn. You put too much pressure on yourself, you are just a kid, your future is so far ahead of you. Take the time to be 15. Life isn't just about how many teams you can play on, while that is amazing and the accomplishments you have achieved already at such a young age are incredible, you are going to one day feel like you've lost everything because it felt like it was ripped away from you. But know this, you move on and you find something else to fill that emptiness. When you are in that moment of doubt, please please realize that just because its the end of your career, it's just a new page to the next chapter of your life. 

Now,
Put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Don't worry about the people that make you feel less than what you deserve to feel. Don't be discouraged because others may be intimidated by you or even scared just because you can hit a volleyball at 100 mph. Don't search for love, let it find you. Keep your heart on your sleeve but don't let just anyone know it's there. High School will be over in two years. College may last longer than 4, just a spoiler alert and you may go to more than one school, but the one you finish at well it's not just a school to you, it's more than that. You are going to gain friendships that are going to feel more like sisters. And don't worry you won't ever fall out of love with concerts or music, and just between you and me, they may become something more than just hobby. Your best friends will change, you will lose touch with those people you can't go a day without talking to on ICQ right now. And I promise you won't be in Chillicothe forever, I know you feel trapped but just hold out a little longer, you're going to find a new home close by. And right now, we're about to find a new home somewhere else but we haven't figured it out just yet.  

You’re not always going to know what you want to be when you grow up.  As I write this I've already achieved many of the dreams we set out to achieve and I still don't know if I'm where I wanted us to be. We are unique, different. And you are going to see that being different is so beautiful. God's got us and He hasn't given us anything we haven't been able to handle. I know at times it doesn't seem that way but you'll see it one day soon. 

But for now keep hanging out in JRs parking lot with your best friends, for goodness sake have fun at the football game on friday night, stay up late watching The OC, keep drooling over Josh Harnett in Pearl Harbor, don't argue with mom when she wakes you up for church on Sunday, play every game like it's your last, remember that first kiss while mom was in the other room, try not to be so shy all the time, hold your nose while dissecting that pig in bio, challenge yourself, stretch yourself, let yourself grow, don't freak out when Mr. Geise gives you an A- on your Spanish test and laugh. Even with all this said, these are specific memories I smile about when I think about when we were 15. So mess up, mess up a lot. I like having those moments to look back on. ;)

I love you.

Signed your slightly older and none the wiser older self

Sometimes I Get In The Way

My stubborn heart
By: Me

She remembers it hurt beautifully.

Starring at all the faces,

Thousands of faces.

Seeing again with new eyes.

Where had she been?

Who had she been?

Listening to all the voices,

Thousands of voices;

But one voice. 

They sounded like one voice.

Every hand lifted, 

Every heart beating,

Every eye searching,

He was there. 

 He heard them; He saw them.

In that moment she heard Him. 

Like a crackling thunder,

"I'm here."

She'd been searching for answers,

Crying out for a direction.

Staying faithful.

Here; tonight, Daddy's here.

"It's time you run with me, lace your hand in mine.

Look forward child, follow close behind."

She was only 14; when she heard a knock.

She was only 15; when God said, "I'll never walk away".

She was only 16; when His hand took hers. 

Now she's twenty something; walking with Him, holding tightly to that promise.

Even with my stubborn heart, You still promise.

   

Beauty of Letting Go.. a year later.

Here it is. The blog post I have been waiting a whole year to type.

January 10, 2013 was the day I decided it was time. Time to make changes. Time to find the beauty in letting go. Time to grab ahold of my life again. Beginning with my health.

I began my first Advocare journey on that day and today I just finished my 4th cleanse. I wanted to start and finish a cleanse in time for this day. I don't want to get into all the inches and all the numbers. I'm not going to give a month by month week by week play by play about how much weight I lost just because that isn't the point of this post. The point of this post is that I did it, I made promises to myself and did not let go of them. I stayed true to my goals, did not give up and did not back down. I disciplined myself and motivated myself all on my own. This entire journey was done by me with the strength of the Lord at my side. I didn't want to have anyone to blame anything on but myself and I can now blame myself for getting to where I am now and that's the sort of blame I'm okay with. :)

This journey was not just about weightloss. Of course it was part of it but the true reason behind it was that I had lost myself over the course of a few years. I had lost passion in my life. I was struggling with who I wanted to be and essentially who the Lord created me to be. I let people run my world and tell me who I was day in and day out. I allowed myself to let heartbreak affect me on too many levels and I gave up on myself. I lost my confidence. I didn't have sports anymore to fall back on, and that was my fault. I let the weight of my personal disappoints rule me. There was no one to blame that on but myself. It amazes me that I can let the world know that about myself but when you have conquered pieces of this you realize that there may be someone else that is struggling with the exact same demons and I for one would like my story to allow someone else to begin a journey of their own.

With all that said, that was the foundation of why I set foot on this journey to me. Even at 24 I had to learn that it was okay to learn new things about myself. To realize the passions that really were on my heart, that it was okay that I didn't know where my life was (and is)  taking me. I'm still working through that just as most people my age are. We are young, and we should be aloud to be young and not let the world tell us any different. Just because most people my age are settling down, getting married, or having kids and have a career doesn't mean I am behind in life, it just means my time isn't there yet. Our lives all work on different time clocks and when the Lord sees it fit, that's when we're brought into whatever part of life He wants us in. Now I am not saying I have this down to an art because believe me I have my good and bad days when it comes to where I am with my life, just ask my best friend Leanda, she knows all to well about my emotional break downs. But those break downs make us human, it reminds us that we naturally yearn for something beautiful, that we don't just want to settle for ordinary. We want to make the most of what the Lord is calling us to do even if we don't know what that is just yet.

Let me talk about running for just a few short lines. As most of you know I have always been an athlete, however from about the end of 2010 to the end of 2012 I lost site of that. I didn't have volleyball anymore or basketball, nothing to focus on. I coached for some time but it didn't fill the void that I had been missing for so long. I have always been able to have sports as an outlet, a place for me to go when I needed to get out of my head. I fell into a slump, not having that outlet I felt lost, sports defined me for so long that I kind of didn't know who I was with out them. Even though I know sports shouldn't define you, it can be a huge part of who you are.

At the end of 2012 I finally reminded myself that that piece of me needed to be found again. That it will forever be a part of me and I needed to tap into it again. Well, that's when I decided to try running. I always looked at it as punishment because that is what it was being on a volleyball and basketball team. Well, it became such an easy sport for me to adapt to. I'm able to get away while I'm running. It's based on pure discipline, a mind over matter sort of thing. Your head keeps telling you to stop going but your body is capable of so much more.

When I realized I could run more that 2 miles I thought well maybe I could do a 5k (3.2ml) so that became my first goal. Once I achieved that I thought well hey maybe I could do a 10k (6.2ml) and as soon as I was able to get to 7 miles I told myself you will do a half-marathon. That's when I realized I was now a serious runner. That it wasn't just a hobby, that it was now what I do. I can just lace up my shoes and run. Headphones in, music up, world off. So beautiful. On October 5, 2013 I ran my first half-marathon (13.1 ml). I ran it faster than I had expected to. My training was probably the most rewarding thing of all, I had the pleasure of experiencing this whole thing with Lacey, I couldn't have asked for a better running partner. It wasn't until I crossed the finish line that I realized how far I had actually come, realizing that 10 months ago I could have never accomplished what I just did. A very overwhelming feeling, of course tears were the only way I could handle the feeling. In November, I decided in 2014 I want to run a marathon (26.2 ml). I begin training in April and I plan to run it in October. I really believe that I am capable of getting to that level and my prayer is that I can just cross the finish line. What's even more awesome about finding running... was coming back home to the Volleyball court. My body is finally back in volleyball shape again and I'm playing competitively FINALLY! The only regret I have through this whole process is that I didn't do it sooner.

I've also become a clean eater. I mean completely clean. I rarely eat anything processed (it now messes with my stomach) and I do not eat out often at all. I'm very disciplined and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I'm at the gym 6 times a week and I run at least 4 of those days. I've become my own competition and I can honestly say it is the most fun I've had in a long time. I love routine and I've been able to turn all of this into one. I only pray that other people tap into this type of living, you discover so much about where your body can take you and learn that pushing yourself just makes you that much stronger. Stop making excuses for yourself, learn to not be afraid and put down all those bad carbs! ;)

It's a beautiful thing to say you accomplished something even when you had doubt in yourself. It took me almost 2 months to realize that I could actually accomplish the goals I set for myself. I was able to check off each one through out this entire journey. And I was able to finally check off the year later "I did it." today. This year is going to have so many more goals and even more directions. I'm not sure where I'm being taken or what road I'm meant to go down but I do know that in this very moment I'm where I need to be. But when May roles around, I'm unsure of where I'll be. I'm letting go of areas of my life that I need to move forward from, even if it is a scary process for me.  It's exciting and terrifying all the same.

365 days ... it took 365 days to earn the body that I had to fight to get back. I'm not nearly done yet and I have many goals to still check off my list. But 2013 I can truly say was the best year I have had in a very long time. I can only hope that 2014 will bring just as much joy, laughter, growth, change and beauty as 2013.

Here's to being on the court again, being a future 2 time half-marathoner, marathoner, masters student, aunt, and an even better version of myself. Hello 2014, it's nice to meet you. :)