I can't always spit out the right words in person but give me a pen and paper and I can explain something imperfectly perfect. Lately, I've been trying to decide what to "blog" about. In essence, blogging is just a release of some sorts so you would think typing just about anything would suffice. However, I would prefer to write something worth writing about.
Let me begin with this... I'm currently in the midst of the winds of change. I have choices to be made and directions to be taken in just a few short days. Where to you might ask? That's a good question because I still have no idea or even a glimpse of a possible solution to my current situation. I'm almost ten seconds away from waving the white flag and letting someone else take the drivers seat. But I have to remind myself that I have to fight because this is my story not someone else's. I have limitations and I have fears but that's the reality of it all. We are all leading ourselves out of the dark and each moment allows us to understand that even if things don't go as planned we are still worth it.
I am walking away from a chapter of my life that has lasted more than 8 years and a job that I have had for 4 of those years. It's hard to imagine my life not like the way it is now, not waking up to the sounds of screaming teenage girls and my ceiling almost falling in every night because there's a dance party going on upstairs after quiet hours. I can't picture a world with out 50 young women walking in and out of my "home" or not having someone knock on my door at any hour of the day. My whole world has been wrapped around residence life. I have lived and breathed it every day for almost 5 years. It's almost as if I don't know how to do anything else.. or be anything else. Even though I know it's time to move on and close the doors to this chapter it's still one of the hardest things I will ever do. It for sure goes down on the list of my not so favorite decisions next to switching my major right before graduation.
I'm walking into my last week of Residence Life. These last 4 years have been such a beautiful ride and I'm grateful for the people that I've been able to experience all of it with. There have been so many of us on staff over the years and every year is different from the year before BUT there are always constants. Like riot week, the harvest party, move in, summer planning, powder puff, hiring, and my favorite .. training week. I've been reflecting on every year individually and I can't stop laughing. There has been so much laughter and I'm very thankful that I can walk away from all of it with a smile on my face because of all the wonderful memories I can take with me. For instance that time during training when we hit the 1000 ticket at magic mountain and used the tickets to get a stuff toy that we passed around all year. OR when I took my entire hall to see Kutless for Halloween and we were referred to as the price is right crew when one of my residents was pulled on stage. And I can not leave out the time I had all my residents fight for a kick ball on a tarp full of baby oil. My heart is so happy just thinking about all these memories. The relationships I've been able to create and all the life experience I've gained from my time in this role can never be replaced by anything. I'm thankful to say good bye knowing I've left all I could behind.
It seems I'm always at a crossroads but this fork is different. My life is about to make a drastic change.. a change that I don't feel like I have control over. I've had many long conversations with the Lord about it and it's as if He literally is telling me just keep going and I'll do everything. I'll send you where I need you to go, but what if where He wants me I don't want to be. Or what if I'm not happy.. there's always these what ifs. But there shouldn't be what ifs with His plan for our lives.. our decisions should be His and His be ours. They are one in the same. I'm human, therefore I will think about the what ifs. I'm scared. I'm fearful. I can admit that. I don't want my life to change.. I am comfortable. But is being comfortable holding me back or keeping me from something bigger?
I've been praying for change.. for something to challenge me.. to bring me out of my comfort zone... did I think I would get it? No, I didn't. Funny how God works right. Ask and you shall receive. I guess the change and the challenges I asked for weren't what He was thinking, He has something else in mind. I'm pretty sure I know the answer to all my questions, I'm just to scared to admit them. I've been in this bubble, this world where everything makes sense. I've been blessed over the course of my time in Circleville, it's my home, and unfortunately has become my safety blanket. I'm lucky to have it but it wasn't something I planned on happening. I think that's why this change is becoming so difficult. I really can't wait for this wave to pass so I can giggle about it later.
I've created a home, a place that has meant more to me than most things. It's a place where I feel peace and love and trust. Giving that up for uncertainty doesn't exactly sound appealing. But on the same end I want something new. What can I say.. I'm hard to please sometimes. I've made changes in myself emotionally, physically and mentally. The Lord is forming me still into the woman He needs me to be, another reason why I think I'm still single but that's beside the point. There are things that I don't want to give up, like my healthy lifestyle, I shouldn't have to give that up. Its a way of life I choose to live because I know what it's like to live the other way and I don't want to go back to that... ever. With all of this said it basically sounds like I'm complaining and underestimating what the Lord wants. But this is my blog and I can vent about pretty much anything I want to. ;) I am super thankful for the big things that are happening I mean geesh I'm finally going to be an aunt and they want me apart of her life so much they want me to move there. That makes my heart happy.
We all have to deal with change, it's just how we choose to react to it. I watched an episode of Dawsons Creek this morning and Jack quoted something about choices. We are all scared to make the right decisions... that is something I do all the time. I want to make all the right strides and move in all the right directions but sometimes I think God wants us to be messy. Sometimes the right answer isn't always easiest and may seem like it will leave us feeling empty but we have a God that feels us up. We are never alone and we always have a friend in Him. There shouldn't be any doubt in how big He is and what He can do for us. I truly believe if we walk away from something He will fill that void with something even more beautiful.. it all comes down to one action..Faith.
Now it's a matter of listening to my own advice, that's always tricky :)
I'm not good with good-byes and this one isn't any different than any of the rest. It's been a wild ride and OCU will always take up a huge percentage of my heart.
Here's to you and what's to come :)
