You're My Clarity

I've seen many posts about love in the last couple of weeks and I'm no expert on the subject and I don't claim to know everything I need to know about it. I've had my share of mindless relationships and have been through countless break ups that at the end of the day didn't count for true relationships anyway. I don't post sappy things about love and I don't showcase it for the world to see either (I'm in no way degrading the people that do, that's just not my thing)

I'm not the only one that has regretted some of the people I've chosen to spend my emotions on and I know I'm definitely not the only one that has had to walk away from people that I didn't want to walk away from. I'm a real person and I have genuine emotions that have been taken advantage of. But in the last year I have found a kind of love that makes my heart feel alive every day and I've learned more about the kind of person you should fall in love with.

Fall in love with the person that sees you, not just physically but someone that sees the depths of who you are...

Fall in love with your best friend. Someone that will eat too many pieces of pizza with you while watching Game of Thrones. Someone that spends too much money watching movies with you in a movie theater. Someone that reminds you daily that you are more than what you see in yourself. Someone that tells you they love you multiple times a day and means it every time.

Fall in love with someone that shows you they love you in the quiet moments, not just the loud ones.  Someone you can run miles with and smell sweaty together. Someone who always chooses to watch Bobs Burgers. Someone that may love a different NBA team than you but takes you to see your favorite team anyway.

Someone that will take you to the ER even if it may not be as serious as what you think it is. Someone that chooses to understand your anxiety and not think you're crazy for it. Fall in love with someone that will let you cry even when you may not know why you are to begin with.

Fall in love with someone that lets you watch the Bachelor even though they can't stand seeing the drama of it all. Someone that loves watching their favorite sport and let's you be a part of it. Someone that wants every person they know to know you. Someone that chooses ice cream for dinner. Someone that loves the same music as you and will sing with you on every car ride. Someone that loves tacos just as much as you do.

Fall in love with someone that challenges you to be a better version of yourself. Someone that you can talk to about anything and they'll hold no judgement. Someone that sees all of your scars and still chooses to see your beauty. Someone that holds you and takes your hand any chance they get.

Fall in love with the person who loves softly. Fall in love with someone who never makes you doubt. Fall in love with someone that even when they see you at your worst, when you're broken and worn down, they don't want to run away, they want to help you put the pieces back together. Fall in love with the person that looks at you for no reason. Someone that makes you want to experience all of life with them. Someone that makes you question why you ever thought you would be alone. Someone that doesn't make you think love is hard. Someone that shows you the kind of love you never thought you deserved.

Fall for the person that makes you fall more in love every day.

Fall for the person that makes you feel brave.

Fall for the person that chooses you.



WMH II: There's something about the way you love me that makes me feel like I'm home. I love you.

Two Thousand Fifteen

Magical.

Before I start I would like to note that in 2015 I did my best to step away from planning and step away from the need to know attitude that I've been burden with at times. I didn't always keep myself accountable but I did learn a lot and I plan to carry that into 2016.






I haven't blogged in quite sometime and I haven't written in just as long. I guess you could say I've been busy living life, as cliche as it sounds. It's amazing what can happen in a year especially when you let go and promise yourself you'll enjoy being in the moment rather than being so worried about your future.

I made a commitment to myself in January, a commitment that wasn't outwardly spoken but softly whispered to myself over and over during the first couple weeks of the year. I've lived a lot of life in the last couple of years, made countless changes and improvements, let go of areas of my life I didn't need to be attached to anymore and learned to fall in love with who I am again. I promised myself on January one I would stop (or attempt to soften) worrying about where my life is headed and instead focus on where it is. I can't begin to explain how difficult that is for me and continues to be. I'm a planner. Not just a short term planner but a long term planner as well.

With that said, I'm beginning 2016 in a different place than I have the last three years. I have no plan. I have pieces of a plan, but no concrete plan. I have no idea whats going to happen 6 months from now or even this fall. The only plan I have for this year is to finish my teaching license, and I will by the first week of December. Has it been a long time coming? Of course, but I wouldn't change the growth I've made over the last six years. I've always known that I'm meant to be a teacher, I just didn't know when that would happen. It was the first plan I ever made for myself that I didn't finish but now I am.

I began this entry with the word magical. I was lucky enough to spend the second half of the year with such a beautiful individual. He has brought so much light into my life and keeps me smiling on a daily basis. There aren't enough words to describe the joy he brought into my world by just walking into my life at Mongolian BBQ on a sunny summer Saturday evening in June. We've already experienced some beautiful moments together and I'm looking forward to all that is ahead for us. I constantly have to remind myself I'm not living a dream but have truly found someone that I can spend hours, days, or weeks with and it wouldn't even be close to enough time with him. I'm grateful and I can't imagine 2016 or any year with out him. He makes me a very happy woman.

My health journey took a slight back seat in 2015 around May. I realized I was obsessing over my weight and obsessing over the strict diet and work out plan I had given myself. I was in the gym twice a day, eating nothing but clean food and running off every calorie I was putting into my body. Did I feel amazing? Yes. But I was missing the point. Though I was living a strictly healthy lifestyle I forgot the balance. The balance of life and health. I was happy but I didn't allow myself to enjoy some of the things I enjoyed before starting on this journey almost four years ago. The downfall of allowing myself to be less strict was that I got too comfortable. My running suffered and my eating just got worse and worse. This year I want to find a happy medium: a healthy life not just a healthy diet and to fall in love with running again.

I now have four years of life under my belt after graduating college. This was my first full year not living the Resident Director Life. *Before I begin I am in no way down grading that lifestyle.* I actually felt like I had a life this year. I wasn't tied down by my phone and I wasn't worried about being too far away from my apartment. I will say though I still wake up at night thinking something happened in the rez hall that I missed. I still get anxious thinking I'm forgetting to take care of a student or forgetting there was an event I needed to make an appearance at. But this year I was actually able to live some of life I had missed while being an RD. That life was wonderful and I enjoyed most of my time in that position but I am thankful to have stepped away. My heart misses that way of life on some days but on most I am thankful I have freedom again.

There was another life changing experience I am still getting used to that I was a part of in 2015. My parents found each other again. Though most people know I never used to talk about my family, now I do. It's crazy how just a year can mend bridges and soften the hardness around someones heart. On July 31st my parents remarried, each other. I got to be an intricate part of that day, planning it to be exact even if it did bring every piece of stress and anxiety out of me. Better me than my mother though. I'll never forget the emotions I felt as my brother and I walked my mom down the isle to meet my father at the end. It was a small country wedding but every one knew how special of an occasion it was. I've had my share of problems over the last 13 years dealing with a broken family and though all that hurt happened it's being healed one day at a time. My parents showed me that love can conquer even if it takes years later for it to. My family has been through more than most and I am thankful for today and every day forward with a whole family again. Most people won't ever understand the capacity of how complicated life is having divorced parents and how it effects you, but I am overwhelmed with relief not having to face that anymore and getting the opportunity to heal from it all.

I'm planning not to plan this year. I want to continue allowing myself to let life happen, to an extent of course. There are some areas I'll need to focus on planning but the other ones I want to just flow. I'm working hard to build my future and even though that future seems in grasp I'm hoping to get there this year. There's so much of life ahead of me and I'm looking forward to facing it head on even if I get anxious about it. 

In 2015, I turned 27, gained back a lost friendship, became a part of a wonderful group of ladies playing the sport we love, started school again to finish what I started so many years ago, found love, and watched love come home.

In 2016, I foresee more beauty and love coming my way. I feel as if this is the year that begins the rest. Let the new year commence. <3

Take me for a walk...

Take me for a walk...

By: Me

I can taste potential all around

There's a spark igniting in me

A flame I've never seen

Don't you know you're driving me out of control?

I'm dancing under cosmic lights

Could this feel right?

Peel back my layers

Be patient, you'll see

Every second will be a highlight

Just listen, don't feel pressure

Stop being so mysterious

Making me feel so delirious

Show me something real...

I've walked alone

You have permission to stop me

I mess up, I hit and miss

Theres days I fall flat on my face

I'm not perfect

And you've yet to see all the best sides of me

I promise, just catch what I'm throwing

I'm messy, broken

But I've got a love worth having

Stop tiptoeing, lets get off the sideline.

Blinded By the Sun

Hi. I'm Marissa and I have a goosebump problem. If you don't know already, you need to know that I'm an emotionally driven person. I'm a peaceful soul and feel deep. I get excited about unnecessary things that are clearly necessary to myself. I break out into goosebumps at just the hum of one of my trillion favorite songs, just the mention of tacos or a kitten and I'm a goner; suffocated by my own enthusiasm. I tend to hold that part of myself back unless you've really crossed the friends line, my intensity often makes the general public nervous, or that's my insecurity getting the best of me. Either way, I'm a naturally high on life person. I'd rather feel everything so deeply that my soul has it's own heartbeat apart from my physical heart than live a life of numbness.

Where is this confession coming from? From the deepest depths of my inner being that only SJs words can reach. I had the privilege of seeing my favorite band, Third Eye Blind, a few nights ago for the fifth time. It was a long waited reunion. There's something spiritual about the way Stephan Jenkins plays on words. His lyrical genius and fearless intensity behind the words to 3ebs songs literally makes you feel like you are 'blinded by the sun'. Pun intended. There was moment, as there always is, that I felt lost as if I was swimming in open water. My vibes were at their highest that night and truth be told it's vastly difficult for me to explain the level of love I have for this band. Unlike most kids, I first heard semi charmed kind of life when I was eight. At about the same time I discovered boy bands. To keep my cover I became overly obsessed with the boy band take over but still kept my heart, for dare I say it, "real music". My mom didn't always know I was listening to bands such as 3eb, Sublime, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Incubus,, and so on. My inner misfit didn't surface to the public world until I met my first college roommate, Julez, freshman year at Urbana. I had never met a fellow SJ lover until I met her. Instantly I knew we would be life long friends on a level most people wouldn't quite grasp. (Love you chow ling)

"We become the things we do..." There are days I feel I'm a complicated being, a rare soul with too much to say and little words to say it with.

This entry needed posted, for my hearts sake ;)

Dedication ...

I had a discussion with a friend today about dedication. The conversation started with a simple question.. "How did you get to where you are today?"

I was never an open book until I began writing blog entries the last couple years and to be honest it's still a struggle for me to even type words. I have countless notebooks from over the years that only my eyes have seen. I'm a writer but that doesn't mean I always enjoy expressing exactly what I'm thinking or feeling. Vulnerability. Something I often struggle with or have too much of, there's rarely a happy medium. I started this blog to encourage people, to help other people along the same journey that I had been traveling on. It's easier to motivate yourself when you know you are motivating someone else at the same time. 

I answered my friend with a simple one word answer, "dedication." As an athlete I have always understood the concept of being dedicated but I never experienced the true meaning until I lost myself. I haven't thought about the last 4 years in awhile until the last couple weeks. It's hard to admit to yourself that you were lost at one point in time, but I've been willing to talk about it. I've learned that keeping feelings bottled up and ignoring them only makes your struggle worse. 

When I told my friend that dedication was how I arrived to the place that I sit in now, she looked at me like I should have had a more profound answer for her. There wasn't some written plan that I could give her. When I think of all the work I've done and all the sacrifices I've made, the changes that have happened, the woman I've become, dedication is the only word I can think of to describe it. The countless days I sat in tears because I thought I couldn't manage moving forward but deciding to lace up my shoes and run out the door. Or on the days the thought of  eating a salad might kill me or even when I thought my broken heart wouldn't heal. At the end of every ending there is always a more beautiful awakening. There have been so many "endings" in my life but the ending that took place in 2012 was only the start of the person I was going to become. The strong woman that I am now. It took dedicated hours of training, preparing, mind changing...I had to see the world different. I had to see the world for how beautiful it could be, not how ugly it had been. 

"happy girls are the prettiest girls"

I struggled emotionally and with my health for two years, but that's only two years out of an entire lifetime. Those two years shaped the course of everything that has happened in the last five years. I gave up a lot of things to get to where I'm at but who I am at this very moment is who I've always been, I was just covered up with things and toxic people I didn't need any more. Running found me and I found volleyball again. For the last two years I could and can honestly look at someone and tell them straight out, I'm happy..and mean it. Do I have bad days of course, every one does, but you get a new day and that bad day just becomes a memory. I've spent the last four years experiencing life, trying new things, being single and embracing that singleness. And in the last year I decided it was time to try and open my heart again, it's failed a few times but if you don't keep trying you'll never find the person you are meant to walk through life with.   

I looked at my friend and asked her "Are you happy?" and told her not to answer the question just to think about her answer.

I had to ask myself four years ago if I was happy, if I was satisfied with who I was and what my life looked liked. It takes something powerful inside of yourself to admit that you truly aren't happy. But once you admit it to yourself the struggle becomes real and the healing becomes activated. I don't mean to sound like my world was entirely corrupted, I'm meaning that what I was facing had become bigger than what I had thought it was. We can't control how people treat us or what they do to us, we can only control how we react and learn from it. 

If you know me, which most people that read my words do, you already know that I am a genuine person. I have a kind heart and I'm real, upfront, and honest. I care deeply for every individual that is in my life, I have so much love to give and a willingness to share my life with people. I don't trust easy... but when I do I'm vulnerable. I'm told I'm an old soul, not sure how true that is, but I am unique and that's one thing I enjoy most about myself, apart from laughing way too loud, laugh-snorting when it's inappropriate, and smiling about just about everything.

My point for this post is that once you dedicate yourself to something don't step away from it, find the motivation within yourself that drives you to be better. Dedicate you to you. You have to push yourself, no one else can do it for you. As a runner, you have to find the will power within yourself to keep your legs moving and your breathing going. And in life it's the same thing.. every step counts. Become a positive person, embrace your imperfections. Dedicate yourself to finding what's important to you. We all struggle in one way or another, that's life. We're all living in the same world. You just need to have the faith, even when you think there isn't such a thing. You can't control what happens to you but you can control how you move forward. I chose to make changes, to become better, to open myself up to new possibilities. To be healthy and to find beauty in life again.

I ended the conversation with my friend by saying this...

Whether you are 16, 27, 31 or 61 you can strive to be a better version of yourself. You can choose your happy. It doesn't have to be chosen for you. You can dedicate yourself to a life of adventure and new beginnings. You don't have to be afraid of endings. Embrace them because they only make you stronger and prepare you for something else that hasn't happened yet. You're stunning and the world deserves to see your light.

xoxo       

Never expecting much...

Quiet Expectations
By: Me

She's never expected much...

Always going in the direction of the wind.

A soul that chases the sun, running wild on it's own,

With false judgments lingering over head,

Keeping a cautious pace, even if there's a chance for more,

Waiting to feel what she thought could not be real,

Seeking to find something she has not seen,

Wanting to justify the wounds that have bound her,

Searching for a face to see in hers, a true spirit so fine.

She prays for a glance at a beauty of pure innocence,

She ponders at what it will be like,

Hesitating at every breathe.

It's been so long, she's forgotten how to play it;

The beat to her own heart.

Those lonely eyes glancing past a cloud of mistrust,

Deserving a chance to open her fragile heart,

Seeking a moment of lovely truth,

A place of beautiful serenity,

No longer standing alone in the sun.

I've never expected much...

Oh, darling.

Oh, darling.

by: Me

she believed.

she hoped.

she needed an answer.

her eyes rested on her glass.

he asked:

"oh, darling,

I can't read your thoughts."

she asked:

"what is love?"

silence.

she asked:

"where does love exist?"

to which he replied:

"oh darling, 

it's where I've lost it all, 

where I've kept it all,

where I've found it all,

it's you, darling,

it's you."

Unfolding

Unfolding

By: Me

The road your hearts been traveling on,

Is one of simplicity and truth.

A childlike game, others may think,

But it's safe to say you didn't know,

That a beautiful story could unfold.

No mind; you're not the same.

You've searched enough; you let it go.

Finally, you can find the one,

That makes you understand,

The hurt that healed you.

You know what your missing,

And the day you find it,

It's yours; so sweet.

Keep your honest heart,

Let it flow gracefully.

Count down the days,

To the second he holds your hand.

Keep loving him before you learn his name,

Set your life on cruise control; with a smile,

Before he's standing down the aisle,

With a smile and a wink starring back at you.

Just wait.

xoxo

26 at 26

26 miles at 26 years.
Running:
If you asked me two years ago how many miles I ever thought I could run I would have told you maybe two but that would be stretching it. I've never been a runner.. in fact I hated running. It served as a punishment growing up playing on basketball and volleyball teams. I found running to be a torcher tool that just so happened to keep me in shape for the sports I actually cared about. I firmly believed that any one who called themselves a runner was clinically insane and should probably be institutionalized. Now that I've degraded the sport that I now call my own I see fit to explain why it is now a part of me.

I began my journey in March of 2013. I needed something that would replace the void of not having volleyball in my life anymore the way it used to be. I thought why not, running can keep me in shape and it was an excuse to buy a ton of music. And before I knew it I went from a 13:52 minute mile to completing a half marathon in October of that year in only 2 hours and 5 minutes which balanced at a 9.5 minute mile. I learned more about myself in those eight months than I had in my, at the time, twenty four years of existence. I found a new respect for the words dedication and sacrifice. With each run my negative thoughts about who I was or what I looked like slowly faded away. I felt free, new, like I finally found who I had been searching for. As my body grew stronger my thoughts grew more positive. My doubts in myself seemed small and my goals became reachable. After I finished the half marathon, with my emotions at the highest they've ever been, I decided that same day I was going to run a marathon in exactly a year, October 2014, even if it sounded impossible.

I took a few months off and kept my highest mileage at nine just to keep my body in training shape before actually beginning training. My official training started in May. As I looked over my schedule the first number I saw was 22, the furthest I would have to run before the actual 26.2 miles. I'm almost positive my heart skipped a beat as it sunk to the floor. My eyes wide and scared, I taped the sheet of paper with the next 6 months completely planned out on my closet door, tied my running shoes, put my head phones in, pushed play, looked at day one and told myself "You can and you will. You deserve to earn this for yourself.", and then headed out the door on my first 3 miles of the next six months of training.

When it comes to training for anything there comes sacrifices. You have to make the time for what's important to you. In this case, running has been the third most important thing in my life next to my faith and family/friends. You have to be willing to give up some thing's, especially the idea of dating. You have to rearrange your life with your training schedule in mind. In the last six months I've had anything and everything thrown at me at warp speed as if I was not meant to embark on this journey. I've had doubt, more doubt than I'd had in myself in a while. I cried, cried a lot over situations that took my focus off what has been important to me for the last two years. I even lost sight of what I was actually trying to accomplish, I would even go as far to say that I felt outside myself, like I was looking in on a person that I didn't recognize. It took one temporary situation to open my eyes again, to make me see that what's important to me is what mattered. That I am not the decisions that I make. That no matter what I do, I'm still loved, and most of all still me. I became distracted more than I can count on one hand through this whole process, let people take my attention away from what makes me, me. My momentary decisions for that of just moments, I thought I was living in the moment but really I was giving into all that I said I would never be. We all fall victim to circumstances like this, I'm just willing to own up to being temporarily an idiot.

Regardless, I trained, trained extremely hard, possibly to hard. At times I over worked myself but at other times I under worked. It took awhile to find the exact amount of physical activity to get me to where I needed to be on the day of the race. Along the way I ran into a painful sickness that resulted in needing surgery which led to being incapable of physical activity for two weeks. That was terrifying. I was able to get a 20 mile run in prior to getting sick but my training called for two 20 mile runs. I can't even begin to explain how stressed out I was the week of the race. I had only ran a total of maybe 9 miles during that week, my job was mentally draining me because I had been out of the office for so long, there were many things going on with my family, and relationships, just so much keeping my mind from being where it needed to be. I spent most of my nights laying up at night starring at the ceiling contemplating whether I should just wait and try again next year. The night before the race I spent time with three of my very best friends and they reminded me that I had worked way to hard to doubt myself. They kept me grounded that entire weekend, I couldn't be more thankful for them, I really don't think I could have got to the starting line with out them.

During the race I felt fantastic, all my adrenaline started pumping the minute the fireworks went off but it was seriously freezing outside. My hands blew up like balloons and I felt like my face had been frost bitten. I was lucky to have Lacey with me for the first part of the race until her half marathon was complete. (You're awesome girl) On mile 8 my knee started hurting, as if there were a knife being stabbed right in the back of it. I stopped at one of those fancy portable pots, stretched it out for maybe five seconds and then kept going. At that point I told myself listen you've come to far to stop now so suck it up, you aren't hurt. That entire mile was painful but eventually it went away. My thought is maybe I wasn't stretched enough before the race started and that was my bodies way of tell me. When I got to mile 14 I thought there was a possible chance I could legitimately die as I watched all the half marathoners turn to get to the finish line. I had to keep telling myself to just keep breathing. I pushed through that mile and kept thinking if I could just see someone I know that would help so much. I had never wanted to see a familiar face so badly.


At mile 16 I ran through the Shoe (Ohio Stadium) and that was rad. I looked up into the stands and I saw my best friends Amanda and Jeff. That was my saving grace. It gave me the momentum I needed to push through the next 5 miles. When I reached mille 22 I called my mom (as I was running) to make sure she was at the finish line. At that moment I realized that I was actually going to finish this. I had maybe a half hour left of running, that's it. I had been going for 4 hours at this point. I rounded a corner into mile 24 and I could feel my ankle start to swell, that sharp pain in my knew was back, my throat started getting flemmy (from my surgery), and all I wanted was a banana and water, a lot of water. I promised myself I would not walk, the only time I would stop would be to drink my water (partially because I can't run and do something else at the same time). When I got to the final mile I had to smile because otherwise I would cry. Something inside of me kicked in, I gained a momentum I hadn't had since mile 5. I started sprinting, I could see the finish line so I started looking in the stands for my mom and my friends. Once I saw them I couldn't have been happier at that moment. It was as if everything I had worked for was meant for this moment. Having my best friends and my mom right there when I crossed the line I had drawn for myself months before even seeing it in front of me. I crossed the finished line and threw my hands over my face. I remember saying out loud.. "I did it.. wow.. I did it". I didn't start crying until I got over to where my mom was. Tears had never felt so good. It is defiantly a feeling that I will never have again. I accomplished something that would have never happened two years ago. The word healthy means more to me now than it ever has. And running.. well it's changed me.

October 19, 2014 Columbus Marathon

With every mile I ran, every toenail I lost, all the blisters I gained, all the shoes I wore out, all the energy gels I went through, and the gallons of spark and water I drank.. I finished a race. But not just 26.2 miles.. I finished a journey I had promised myself I would complete. And I never break a promise.

Thankful.

No, not again

By: Me

Can I speak poetically?
Just for a moment of your time.
I don't always try to rhyme.
But in this case I'll take the time.

There's nothing worse than being addicted to a terrible song.
There's nothing worse than attempting to fix a wrong.
There's not a thing worse than trying to move along.

Gather what's left of what you feel.
Hold close to all that is real.
Never let them steal,
Never let them steal.

There's nothing better than a sad song.
There's nothing better than accepting a wrong.
There's not a thing better than moving along.

Running outside yourself.
From all that you've created.
Never doubt you again,
Never doubt you again.

There's more to a sad song.
There's more to an accepted wrong.
There's more to moving along.

Not again
Say it again
Not again
No, not again


xoxo

I stutter

Stu stu stuttering

by: me

This will not be about love.

This will not be a farewell song.

This will not be my only one.

Do do do you understand me when I say.

When my head starts to hurt

I place my finger on my phone to slide off the earth 

I try to stop the world from moving so fast

I pick up my pieces so I can make it last

So so so you see what I mean

Disconnect me please

I quench my thirst with the earth

But a new cell phone tower will puncture the dirt

The construction never ends, always on alert

To to too much miscommunication

I'm buried in all the lust 

Must keep myself grounded, activate my trust

Wipe away all this cosmic dust

Need to find my constant through all this rust

Loo loo look up from the rubble

Detach myself from all the trouble 

Floating over my head now, out of my hands

Always adjusting my apologies

Unwire me from all the tech tech technology

This is my next risk.

This is my new waiting list. 

This is my plot twist.

Gratitude

Gratitude
By: Me

Who am I to doubt Your perfections

Who am I to misunderstand Your voice

Who am I to sit when I've been told to stand

Who am I to run when You've whispered slow down

Who am I to ignore Your thunderous sound

Let my heart be still in Your hands

Let my heart be guarded by Your army

Let my heart beat in accordance to You

Let my heart mock Your desires

Let my heart find an all consuming rest

Rid this self of false language from my lips

Rid this self of any fuming rage

Rid this self of unnecessary anger

Rid this self of vindictive thoughts

Rid this self of all that is not You

You've clothed me with compassion 

You've clothed me with kindness

You've clothed me with humility

You've clothed me with gentleness

You've clothed me with patience

Who am I, I am thankful

Who am I, I am enough

Who am I, I am renewed

Who am I, I am beloved

Who am I, I am Yours

I'm Yours.

Simply Run

I am not the same girl anymore, running changed me.

Yesterday was an off day. I was dealing with doubt in myself most of the day. For the last four weeks I've had to tweak my training schedule, move things around, skip days, rest on days I usually run, fit runs in within an hour time slot.. it has left me utterly exhausted. I feel like I haven't given my body time to rest because on rest days I've been busy doing other things when I really need to be sitting down doing nothing. It's messed with my sleeping patterns and ultimately affected my concentration during the day.

As I began my short run yesterday I truly thought I was only going to be able to push out a slow 2 miles because my body was so fatigued. I drank two sparks and even boosted with some catalyst and rehydrate gels in hopes that it would give me the will power to push myself the distance. I did my usual stretching and warm up jog, turned my runkeeper on and pushed play on the same playlist I listen to for every run. The first song that came on was Keep Your Eyes Open by NEEDTOBREATHE. I began my run just like normal and what seemed like a minute later my runkeeper went off saying I was already at a half mile at 4:23 minutes. That is not normal for me. My entire run I kept a 8:02 mile pace. That's the fastest 3 mile pace I've ever ran. My mind had finally slowed down and I was able to concentrate on my run. I haven't been able to do that in weeks. I was starting to think I wouldn't be able to push out a whole marathon. But after yesterday I reminded myself why I started all of this and why it means so much to me. I'm just about half way through training and I'm up to 14 miles which is essentially a half marathon. I needed that good run yesterday, it had perked me back up and has given me the boost I've needed for weeks. My mind has reset and I'm back on track.

I'm also doing a marathon training devotional that has given me so much insist into "running the race God has called us to" through training for a marathon. I need reminded most days that I'm not just running for myself. I'm running for Him too. My thoughts have changed through all of this and I've come out a more positive person. I've gain a respect for myself that I never had before. I'm still learning something new daily and the Lord is opening my eyes to something new on a consistent basis. I saw this quote this morning:

"That's the thing about running: Your greatest runs are rarely measured by racing success. They are moments in time when running allows you to see how wonderful your life is." - Kara Goucher

Yesterday I needed reminded that my life is beautiful and as I was running I replayed all the aspects of my life that are true blessings.

Today I'm thankful to be a runner.

Year 26

This week I turn 26 years young. You could say it's four years to thirty or even six years into my twenties. No matter which way you look at it, it's still my 26th year in existence. I tend to joke about getting older, often I even dread the inevitable. However, this year is different. I'm looking forward to this birthday, not too sure why but 26 sounds like a great number. It's funny because I'm a young soul, and most people don't believe I'm a day older than 21 based on my physical appearance, which on a good day is a compliment but on others not so much. I'm enjoying this "slow down livin" as Corey Crowder would say. I used to move so quickly, I'm thankful the Lord has taught me to slow down and appreciate moments. I enjoy having this free spirit, it leaves room for lovely adventures.

I couldn't be more thankful for these past 26 years. So many different phases, experiences, lessons.. Even in the last year I feel like a totally new person. It's like I've been on this soul vacation and I've finally gotten off the train. I've never been more certain of who I am and what I want. That doesn't mean I have everything perfected, far from that. I'm imperfect and I love that. Each year brings so many new life challenges and chances to grow in ways I didn't even know were possible. 

I'd be lying if I said I knew for sure I was exactly where I need to be right now. When I was younger I always thought anyone over 24 should be married, having children and in the midst of their careers. But here I am sitting in the 26 club doin my own thing. If you would have asked me a year ago how I felt about that you probably would have gotten a "sigh... I'm behind in life" but now I can  just laugh it off. There's no reason to wish your life away. If I'm single I'm single. If I have a boyfriend then awesome. Its exhausting trying to please everyone with what is ultimately my decison (with Gods guidance of course). 

I have nothing but high hopes for year 26, I have a good feeling lots of major life adventures are going to take place and I couldn't be more excited about what's to come.  I'm already starting down a few new roads right now and I'm carrying all sorts of emotions as I begin this exciting time. 

Whether I find my soul mate this year, get married, take a new job and move across the country or hitch a ride with a semi truck and travel across the US or even jump out of a plane. Getting a year older is a time to celebrate all the life you've lived already and to anticipate the life you will continue to pursue. I'm gearing up for the best year yet and I'm pumped for the people I get to do life with  as I go while I patiently wait on what gifts the Lord has wrapped up for me to rip open like a two year old Christmas morning.

Happy Birthday to me. Cheers y'all.

Boarding.

Feet hustling across crowded aisles

Frantic faces gathering one by one

"Ticket 720, seat 26"

She walks alone.

Boarding.

She sits alone.

Boarding.

Glancing out the window

Watching a picture show of trees

Faster..faster..faster

She's off.

In the direction of the sun

Holding ticket 720, sitting in seat 26

Boarded.

A Reflection

A Reflection

By: Me

 

I ran.

With eyes forward,

Skipping the next chapter.

Ignoring what I knew would be on that first page.

Deciding I didn't want to read the words,

The words you left without a code.

There was no room for what was unspoken.

The key already locked the door.

This is something I need to do

The glare from your manipulations blinded my vision.

You taught me how to trust my self.

You showed me the dimensions in which I couldn't quite see.

Am I suppose to thank you for allowing me to find .. me?

No thanks should be given

Pardon me for mistaking

Theres nothing more to say.

And before your shadow was gone,

I ran.

Theres Good in Good Bye

I can't always spit out the right words in person but give me a pen and paper and I can explain something imperfectly perfect. Lately, I've been trying to decide what to "blog" about. In essence, blogging is just a release of some sorts so you would think typing just about anything would suffice. However, I would prefer to write something worth writing about.


Let me begin with this... I'm currently in the midst of the winds of change. I have choices to be made and directions to be taken in just a few short days. Where to you might ask? That's a good question because I still have no idea or even a glimpse of a possible solution to my current situation. I'm almost ten seconds away from waving the white flag and letting someone else take the drivers seat. But I have to remind myself that I have to fight because this is my story not someone else's. I have limitations and I have fears but that's the reality of it all. We are all leading ourselves out of the dark and each moment allows us to understand that even if things don't go as planned we are still worth it.

I am walking away from a chapter of my life that has lasted more than 8 years and a job that I have had for 4 of those years. It's hard to imagine my life not like the way it is now, not waking up to the sounds of screaming teenage girls and my ceiling almost falling in every night because there's a dance party going on upstairs after quiet hours. I can't picture a world with out 50 young women walking in and out of my "home" or not having someone knock on my door at any hour of the day. My whole world has been wrapped around residence life. I have lived and breathed it every day for almost 5 years. It's almost as if I don't know how to do anything else.. or be anything else. Even though I know it's time to move on and close the doors to this chapter it's still one of the hardest things I will ever do. It for sure goes down on the list of my not so favorite decisions next to switching my major right before graduation.

I'm walking into my last week of Residence Life. These last 4 years have been such a beautiful ride and I'm grateful for the people that I've been able to experience all of it with. There have been so many of us on staff over the years and every year is different from the year before BUT there are always constants. Like riot week, the harvest party, move in, summer planning, powder puff, hiring, and my favorite .. training week. I've been reflecting on every year individually and I can't stop laughing. There has been so much laughter and I'm very thankful that I can walk away from all of it with a smile on my face because of all the wonderful memories I can take with me. For instance that time during training when we hit the 1000 ticket at magic mountain and used the tickets to get a stuff toy that we passed around all year. OR when I took my entire hall to see Kutless for Halloween and we were referred to as the price is right crew when one of my residents was pulled on stage. And I can not leave out the time I had all my residents fight for a kick ball on a tarp full of baby oil. My heart is so happy just thinking about all these memories. The relationships I've been able to create and all the life experience I've gained from my time in this role can never be replaced by anything. I'm thankful to say good bye knowing I've left all I could behind.

It seems I'm always at a crossroads but this fork is different. My life is about to make a drastic change.. a change that I don't feel like I have control over. I've had many long conversations with the Lord about it and it's as if He literally is telling me just keep going and I'll do everything. I'll send you where I need you to go, but what if where He wants me I don't want to be. Or what if I'm not happy.. there's always these what ifs. But there shouldn't be what ifs with His plan for our lives.. our decisions should be His and His be ours. They are one in the same. I'm human, therefore I will think about the what ifs. I'm scared. I'm fearful. I can admit that. I don't want my life to change.. I am comfortable. But is being comfortable holding me back or keeping me from something bigger?

I've been praying for change.. for something to challenge me.. to bring me out of my comfort zone... did I think I would get it? No, I didn't. Funny how God works right. Ask and you shall receive. I guess the change and the challenges I asked for weren't what He was thinking, He has something else in mind. I'm pretty sure I know the answer to all my questions, I'm just to scared to admit them. I've been in this bubble, this world where everything makes sense. I've been blessed over the course of my time in Circleville, it's my home, and unfortunately has become my safety blanket. I'm lucky to have it but it wasn't something I planned on happening. I think that's why this change is becoming so difficult. I really can't wait for this wave to pass so I can giggle about it later.

I've created a home, a place that has meant more to me than most things. It's a place where I feel peace and love and trust. Giving that up for uncertainty doesn't exactly sound appealing. But on the same end I want something new. What can I say.. I'm hard to please sometimes. I've made changes in myself emotionally, physically and mentally. The Lord is forming me still into the woman He needs me to be, another reason why I think I'm still single but that's beside the point. There are things that I don't want to give up, like my healthy lifestyle, I shouldn't have to give that up. Its a way of life I choose to live because I know what it's like to live the other way and I don't want to go back to that... ever. With all of this said it basically sounds like I'm complaining and underestimating what the Lord wants. But this is my blog and I can vent about pretty much anything I want to. ;) I am super thankful for the big things that are happening I mean geesh I'm finally going to be an aunt and they want me apart of her life so much they want me to move there. That makes my heart happy.

We all have to deal with change, it's just how we choose to react to it. I watched an episode of Dawsons Creek this morning and Jack quoted something about choices. We are all scared to make the right decisions... that is something I do all the time. I want to make all the right strides and move in all the right directions but sometimes I think God wants us to be messy. Sometimes the right answer isn't always easiest and may seem like it will leave us feeling empty but we have a God that feels us up. We are never alone and we always have a friend in Him. There shouldn't be any doubt in how big He is and what He can do for us. I truly believe if we walk away from something He will fill that void with something even more beautiful.. it all comes down to one action..Faith.

Now it's a matter of listening to my own advice, that's always tricky :)  

I'm not good with good-byes and this one isn't any different than any of the rest. It's been a wild ride and OCU will always take up a huge percentage of my heart.
Here's to you and what's to come :)

A letter to my 15 year old self..

Dear Marissa,
Hi friend.

Let me start with this, I hope this letter finds you while you are day dreaming in our randomly pink bedroom about some day being a rock star while listening to three days grace even though you honestly have no clue how to play an actual instrument. 

Oh the adventures you will go on. The places you are going to see, the people you are going to encounter. Being 15 will not go down in the most memorable years list, it will be a year you won't forget but it won't be the one you remember every detail of. That boy you think you'll never get over, well you're over him. That friend you thought was going to be your best friend for the rest of your life, she isn't. That teacher you thought was going to ruin your perfect GPA, he didn't. Those people that made you feel so small, well they don't matter but the people that stood by, well they're still there.  

You know how mom is the only person in the world who has called you Riss, well prepare yourself because it's basically going to become your first name. 

By 2014 you will have discovered that who you are right now doesn't even touch the surface of who you are going to be. Right now all you think matters is your basketball game tonight and the stats you are going to rake up at your club volleyball tournament this weekend. Let's just say I want you to know that those things aren't going to be your biggest worries one day. I know you can't ever begin to believe that but it's the truth. That game you fouled out and that one ref who basically shouldn't of even had his zebra stripes, you are going to move on from it. Sports wont be everything some day. It'll be a part of you some day, but not every day like it is now. 

You are going to mess up, you will lose your way, you will be angry with God more than once and prepare yourself because you are going to make decisions you never thought you would ever be capable of... and you will be disappointed in yourself. You are going to fall in love and then you are going to fall out of love. You may think he's the one, but he isn't. Stop before you believe him, use your head this time not your heart. Trust yourself, and be true to what you believe. Cling to God, people will make you doubt Him, even those close to you. Don't let their actions and words become yours. There will be times in your life where you will try to dull down your magic because it draws too much attention. But please don't do that. 

Don't settle. Don't ever think you just need a job to pay your bills. You can have a job that makes you happy, don't let any one tell you different. You have dreams, I know they are in you and you are doubting them right now. Those dreams... you still have them even ten years later they are still there, I promise I've protected them. 

Hold tight to the time you have with the youth group. Those are moments you are going to want to remember the most. Take too many pictures, I mean be annoying with it. Don't miss a beat with those people because those are the ones that get you through the next two years. They become your family, why? Because they are the ones that want to know you and they don't care that you like sports more than you like painting your nails. Oh and btw would you start taking care of those because soon you are going to really care about them. Let's just say we end up owning more nail polish than CDs. (get that gasp look off your face) 

Okay let's talk about that wardrobe of yours. Put away the basketball shorts REPEAT put them away, seriously go buy a nice pair of pants and a shirt that isn't labeled a "tshirt". I know you are insecure but honestly girl you will regret not taking advantage of fashion. You learn, it's gonna take some, well maybe a lot of fashion no's before you find your home. You will go through the punk stage, the prep stage, the bell bottom stage, the weird polo stage, but you will find what works for you. Let's just say I know because we're there ;)

Your world will change... it will change a lot. You are going to move from house to house and sometimes you aren't going to feel like you have a "home". But you do, no matter where you are, you are home. You will call many places home because you are going to leave pieces of your heart every where, and one day even in New York. Your closest friends won't live down the street anymore, or just down the road, they may live states away..miles away. You will get your license, I know you are freaked right now and just because you failed the permit test the first time, the second time it'll go better. Breathe before you back out and for heavens sake don't cry during your drivers test. Those orange cones won't blow up Megs car. I promise. 

Right now I know you have your heart set on being a teacher because you feel it's all you know how to do. But don't cling to tight, you don't know what God is going to throw at you. You have many many passions and those aren't on your heart by accident. You may not understand them yet and you may even be afraid to explore them but believe me they will come to play out in your life eventually. I know you are scared, scared of a lot of things but you will be okay. We're okay. We always are. 

Could you do me a favor? Stop trying to be perfect. Loosin up, you don't have to do every thing right. You can mess up, that's how you will learn. You put too much pressure on yourself, you are just a kid, your future is so far ahead of you. Take the time to be 15. Life isn't just about how many teams you can play on, while that is amazing and the accomplishments you have achieved already at such a young age are incredible, you are going to one day feel like you've lost everything because it felt like it was ripped away from you. But know this, you move on and you find something else to fill that emptiness. When you are in that moment of doubt, please please realize that just because its the end of your career, it's just a new page to the next chapter of your life. 

Now,
Put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Don't worry about the people that make you feel less than what you deserve to feel. Don't be discouraged because others may be intimidated by you or even scared just because you can hit a volleyball at 100 mph. Don't search for love, let it find you. Keep your heart on your sleeve but don't let just anyone know it's there. High School will be over in two years. College may last longer than 4, just a spoiler alert and you may go to more than one school, but the one you finish at well it's not just a school to you, it's more than that. You are going to gain friendships that are going to feel more like sisters. And don't worry you won't ever fall out of love with concerts or music, and just between you and me, they may become something more than just hobby. Your best friends will change, you will lose touch with those people you can't go a day without talking to on ICQ right now. And I promise you won't be in Chillicothe forever, I know you feel trapped but just hold out a little longer, you're going to find a new home close by. And right now, we're about to find a new home somewhere else but we haven't figured it out just yet.  

You’re not always going to know what you want to be when you grow up.  As I write this I've already achieved many of the dreams we set out to achieve and I still don't know if I'm where I wanted us to be. We are unique, different. And you are going to see that being different is so beautiful. God's got us and He hasn't given us anything we haven't been able to handle. I know at times it doesn't seem that way but you'll see it one day soon. 

But for now keep hanging out in JRs parking lot with your best friends, for goodness sake have fun at the football game on friday night, stay up late watching The OC, keep drooling over Josh Harnett in Pearl Harbor, don't argue with mom when she wakes you up for church on Sunday, play every game like it's your last, remember that first kiss while mom was in the other room, try not to be so shy all the time, hold your nose while dissecting that pig in bio, challenge yourself, stretch yourself, let yourself grow, don't freak out when Mr. Geise gives you an A- on your Spanish test and laugh. Even with all this said, these are specific memories I smile about when I think about when we were 15. So mess up, mess up a lot. I like having those moments to look back on. ;)

I love you.

Signed your slightly older and none the wiser older self

Sometimes I Get In The Way

My stubborn heart
By: Me

She remembers it hurt beautifully.

Starring at all the faces,

Thousands of faces.

Seeing again with new eyes.

Where had she been?

Who had she been?

Listening to all the voices,

Thousands of voices;

But one voice. 

They sounded like one voice.

Every hand lifted, 

Every heart beating,

Every eye searching,

He was there. 

 He heard them; He saw them.

In that moment she heard Him. 

Like a crackling thunder,

"I'm here."

She'd been searching for answers,

Crying out for a direction.

Staying faithful.

Here; tonight, Daddy's here.

"It's time you run with me, lace your hand in mine.

Look forward child, follow close behind."

She was only 14; when she heard a knock.

She was only 15; when God said, "I'll never walk away".

She was only 16; when His hand took hers. 

Now she's twenty something; walking with Him, holding tightly to that promise.

Even with my stubborn heart, You still promise.

   

Beauty of Letting Go.. a year later.

Here it is. The blog post I have been waiting a whole year to type.

January 10, 2013 was the day I decided it was time. Time to make changes. Time to find the beauty in letting go. Time to grab ahold of my life again. Beginning with my health.

I began my first Advocare journey on that day and today I just finished my 4th cleanse. I wanted to start and finish a cleanse in time for this day. I don't want to get into all the inches and all the numbers. I'm not going to give a month by month week by week play by play about how much weight I lost just because that isn't the point of this post. The point of this post is that I did it, I made promises to myself and did not let go of them. I stayed true to my goals, did not give up and did not back down. I disciplined myself and motivated myself all on my own. This entire journey was done by me with the strength of the Lord at my side. I didn't want to have anyone to blame anything on but myself and I can now blame myself for getting to where I am now and that's the sort of blame I'm okay with. :)

This journey was not just about weightloss. Of course it was part of it but the true reason behind it was that I had lost myself over the course of a few years. I had lost passion in my life. I was struggling with who I wanted to be and essentially who the Lord created me to be. I let people run my world and tell me who I was day in and day out. I allowed myself to let heartbreak affect me on too many levels and I gave up on myself. I lost my confidence. I didn't have sports anymore to fall back on, and that was my fault. I let the weight of my personal disappoints rule me. There was no one to blame that on but myself. It amazes me that I can let the world know that about myself but when you have conquered pieces of this you realize that there may be someone else that is struggling with the exact same demons and I for one would like my story to allow someone else to begin a journey of their own.

With all that said, that was the foundation of why I set foot on this journey to me. Even at 24 I had to learn that it was okay to learn new things about myself. To realize the passions that really were on my heart, that it was okay that I didn't know where my life was (and is)  taking me. I'm still working through that just as most people my age are. We are young, and we should be aloud to be young and not let the world tell us any different. Just because most people my age are settling down, getting married, or having kids and have a career doesn't mean I am behind in life, it just means my time isn't there yet. Our lives all work on different time clocks and when the Lord sees it fit, that's when we're brought into whatever part of life He wants us in. Now I am not saying I have this down to an art because believe me I have my good and bad days when it comes to where I am with my life, just ask my best friend Leanda, she knows all to well about my emotional break downs. But those break downs make us human, it reminds us that we naturally yearn for something beautiful, that we don't just want to settle for ordinary. We want to make the most of what the Lord is calling us to do even if we don't know what that is just yet.

Let me talk about running for just a few short lines. As most of you know I have always been an athlete, however from about the end of 2010 to the end of 2012 I lost site of that. I didn't have volleyball anymore or basketball, nothing to focus on. I coached for some time but it didn't fill the void that I had been missing for so long. I have always been able to have sports as an outlet, a place for me to go when I needed to get out of my head. I fell into a slump, not having that outlet I felt lost, sports defined me for so long that I kind of didn't know who I was with out them. Even though I know sports shouldn't define you, it can be a huge part of who you are.

At the end of 2012 I finally reminded myself that that piece of me needed to be found again. That it will forever be a part of me and I needed to tap into it again. Well, that's when I decided to try running. I always looked at it as punishment because that is what it was being on a volleyball and basketball team. Well, it became such an easy sport for me to adapt to. I'm able to get away while I'm running. It's based on pure discipline, a mind over matter sort of thing. Your head keeps telling you to stop going but your body is capable of so much more.

When I realized I could run more that 2 miles I thought well maybe I could do a 5k (3.2ml) so that became my first goal. Once I achieved that I thought well hey maybe I could do a 10k (6.2ml) and as soon as I was able to get to 7 miles I told myself you will do a half-marathon. That's when I realized I was now a serious runner. That it wasn't just a hobby, that it was now what I do. I can just lace up my shoes and run. Headphones in, music up, world off. So beautiful. On October 5, 2013 I ran my first half-marathon (13.1 ml). I ran it faster than I had expected to. My training was probably the most rewarding thing of all, I had the pleasure of experiencing this whole thing with Lacey, I couldn't have asked for a better running partner. It wasn't until I crossed the finish line that I realized how far I had actually come, realizing that 10 months ago I could have never accomplished what I just did. A very overwhelming feeling, of course tears were the only way I could handle the feeling. In November, I decided in 2014 I want to run a marathon (26.2 ml). I begin training in April and I plan to run it in October. I really believe that I am capable of getting to that level and my prayer is that I can just cross the finish line. What's even more awesome about finding running... was coming back home to the Volleyball court. My body is finally back in volleyball shape again and I'm playing competitively FINALLY! The only regret I have through this whole process is that I didn't do it sooner.

I've also become a clean eater. I mean completely clean. I rarely eat anything processed (it now messes with my stomach) and I do not eat out often at all. I'm very disciplined and I'm not ashamed to admit that. I'm at the gym 6 times a week and I run at least 4 of those days. I've become my own competition and I can honestly say it is the most fun I've had in a long time. I love routine and I've been able to turn all of this into one. I only pray that other people tap into this type of living, you discover so much about where your body can take you and learn that pushing yourself just makes you that much stronger. Stop making excuses for yourself, learn to not be afraid and put down all those bad carbs! ;)

It's a beautiful thing to say you accomplished something even when you had doubt in yourself. It took me almost 2 months to realize that I could actually accomplish the goals I set for myself. I was able to check off each one through out this entire journey. And I was able to finally check off the year later "I did it." today. This year is going to have so many more goals and even more directions. I'm not sure where I'm being taken or what road I'm meant to go down but I do know that in this very moment I'm where I need to be. But when May roles around, I'm unsure of where I'll be. I'm letting go of areas of my life that I need to move forward from, even if it is a scary process for me.  It's exciting and terrifying all the same.

365 days ... it took 365 days to earn the body that I had to fight to get back. I'm not nearly done yet and I have many goals to still check off my list. But 2013 I can truly say was the best year I have had in a very long time. I can only hope that 2014 will bring just as much joy, laughter, growth, change and beauty as 2013.

Here's to being on the court again, being a future 2 time half-marathoner, marathoner, masters student, aunt, and an even better version of myself. Hello 2014, it's nice to meet you. :)

Sacrifice.

"You will come to know 

that what appears today to be a 

sacrifice 

will prove instead to be 

the greatest investment that 

you will ever make." 

- Gordon B. Hinckley 

As I begin creating goals for 2014, I've come back to this quote that sits in front of me every day in my office. Reflecting on the goals that I made for myself this time last year for 2013 I've realized that I have had to make many sacrifices to get where I'm at now, not realizing that I would essentially need to do that to grow and learn. This quote is a reminder of just that. Choosing to invest in your life and in your future, starts with one sacrifice, saying good bye to who you are in the moment you decide to better yourself. I did that January 1 of 2013. I said good bye to the scared little girl inside of me and decided to grab a hold of who I knew I could be if I would just sacrifice letting go of who I'd been. I was stuck, confused...

Sacrifice allows you to see things in the rear-view mirror more clearly than you ever did looking out over the hood. *FGL reference if anyone noticed ;)* You will not find success if you don't sacrifice. Your goal should be to finish the race the best that you can, seeing the bigger picture not just the present. However, I know that I've had to learn daily that I need to be living in the present to get to the future. Take weight loss for example, you have to take it day by day, pound by pound, because it's not a quick fix. I personally had to work very hard and sacrifice a lot of my time and small temporary pleasures to get to where I am. That's just an easy example of living in the present but also seeing the bigger picture down the road. You have to stop the excuses if you ever what to further any goal that you have for yourself. Once you make that goal, stick to it and keep yourself accountable. Learn to trust yourself. Once you trust yourself, you will seriously be capable of anything. 

Ultimately you have to be OK with where you are.

If my point isn't getting across, because I know I jump all over the place sometimes, I'm trying to articulate that sacrifice is one of the first steps to becoming a better version of yourself. Invest in yourself, learn to love every part of who you are, even the disappointments. God has already forgiven those, it's your turn to forgive yourself. 

Just a thought for the day 

xoxo