Magical.Before I start I would like to note that in 2015 I did my best to step away from planning and step away from the need to know attitude that I've been burden with at times. I didn't always keep myself accountable but I did learn a lot and I plan to carry that into 2016.
I haven't blogged in quite sometime and I haven't written in just as long. I guess you could say I've been busy living life, as cliche as it sounds. It's amazing what can happen in a year especially when you let go and promise yourself you'll enjoy being in the moment rather than being so worried about your future.I made a commitment to myself in January, a commitment that wasn't outwardly spoken but softly whispered to myself over and over during the first couple weeks of the year. I've lived a lot of life in the last couple of years, made countless changes and improvements, let go of areas of my life I didn't need to be attached to anymore and learned to fall in love with who I am again. I promised myself on January one I would stop (or attempt to soften) worrying about where my life is headed and instead focus on where it is. I can't begin to explain how difficult that is for me and continues to be. I'm a planner. Not just a short term planner but a long term planner as well.
With that said, I'm beginning 2016 in a different place than I have the last three years. I have no plan. I have pieces of a plan, but no concrete plan. I have no idea whats going to happen 6 months from now or even this fall. The only plan I have for this year is to finish my teaching license, and I will by the first week of December. Has it been a long time coming? Of course, but I wouldn't change the growth I've made over the last six years. I've always known that I'm meant to be a teacher, I just didn't know when that would happen. It was the first plan I ever made for myself that I didn't finish but now I am.
I began this entry with the word magical. I was lucky enough to spend the second half of the year with such a beautiful individual. He has brought so much light into my life and keeps me smiling on a daily basis. There aren't enough words to describe the joy he brought into my world by just walking into my life at Mongolian BBQ on a sunny summer Saturday evening in June. We've already experienced some beautiful moments together and I'm looking forward to all that is ahead for us. I constantly have to remind myself I'm not living a dream but have truly found someone that I can spend hours, days, or weeks with and it wouldn't even be close to enough time with him. I'm grateful and I can't imagine 2016 or any year with out him. He makes me a very happy woman. My health journey took a slight back seat in 2015 around May. I realized I was obsessing over my weight and obsessing over the strict diet and work out plan I had given myself. I was in the gym twice a day, eating nothing but clean food and running off every calorie I was putting into my body. Did I feel amazing? Yes. But I was missing the point. Though I was living a strictly healthy lifestyle I forgot the balance. The balance of life and health. I was happy but I didn't allow myself to enjoy some of the things I enjoyed before starting on this journey almost four years ago. The downfall of allowing myself to be less strict was that I got too comfortable. My running suffered and my eating just got worse and worse. This year I want to find a happy medium: a healthy life not just a healthy diet and to fall in love with running again.
I now have four years of life under my belt after graduating college.
This was my first full year not living the Resident Director Life.
*Before I begin I am in no way down grading that lifestyle.* I actually
felt like I had a life this year. I wasn't tied down by my phone and I
wasn't worried about being too far away from my apartment. I will say
though I still wake up at night thinking something happened in the rez
hall that I missed. I still get anxious thinking I'm forgetting to take
care of a student or forgetting there was an event I needed to make an
appearance at. But this year I was actually able to live some of life I had
missed while being an RD. That life was wonderful and I enjoyed most of
my time in that position but I am thankful to have stepped away. My
heart misses that way of life on some days but on most I am thankful I
have freedom again. 
There was another life changing experience I am still getting used to that I was a part of in 2015. My parents found each other again. Though most people know I never used to talk about my family, now I do. It's crazy how just a year can mend bridges and soften the hardness around someones heart. On July 31st my parents remarried, each other. I got to be an intricate part of that day, planning it to be exact even if it did bring every piece of stress and anxiety out of me. Better me than my mother though. I'll never forget the emotions I felt as my brother and I walked my mom down the isle to meet my father at the end. It was a small country wedding but every one knew how special of an occasion it was. I've had my share of problems over the last 13 years dealing with a broken family and though all that hurt happened it's being healed one day at a time. My parents showed me that love can conquer even if it takes years later for it to. My family has been through more than most and I am thankful for today and every day forward with a whole family again. Most people won't ever understand the capacity of how complicated life is having divorced parents and how it effects you, but I am overwhelmed with relief not having to face that anymore and getting the opportunity to heal from it all.I'm planning not to plan this year. I want to continue allowing myself to let life happen, to an extent of course. There are some areas I'll need to focus on planning but the other ones I want to just flow. I'm working hard to build my future and even though that future seems in grasp I'm hoping to get there this year. There's so much of life ahead of me and I'm looking forward to facing it head on even if I get anxious about it.
In 2015, I turned 27, gained back a lost friendship, became a part of a wonderful group of ladies playing the sport we love, started school again to finish what I started so many years ago, found love, and watched love come home.
No comments:
Post a Comment